


I'm Sorry I'm Not Captain America

by Keener_girl



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Funeral, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Peter Parker, Not Team Steve Friendly, Other, Sad Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony's self-deprecating thoughts, Worried Rhodey, i can't tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21992662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keener_girl/pseuds/Keener_girl
Summary: In the back of his mind, a voice would whisper, why can’t you be like Captain America? Why can’t you do something that is actually important?He would ignore it and take yet another shot.OrTony takes a trip down memory lane while attending a funeral that should have never happened.
Relationships: Howard Stark & Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	I'm Sorry I'm Not Captain America

**Author's Note:**

> This story came out of nowhere...  
> I started writing and this just kind of happened, so sorry if this story looks like I puked up some random words on the page because I have not edited it.  
> I hope you like it anyway!

When Tony was a boy, his father would go on and on about the great Captain America. He would describe his adventures in vivid detail, and explain how his bravery saved thousands of lives and even helped win the war. Steve Rogers could do no wrong in Howard Stark’s eyes, and Tony believed that his father had good reason to think that. Steve had done great things right before Howard’s eyes, giving him reasons to trust and have faith in him.

Tony had never given Howard a reason to have the same feelings of trust and love towards him. Tony had been a disappointment. He could never do anything right in his father’s eyes, and because of that, he gave up on even trying by the time he was in college. He partied, drank, and had enough sex to have a house full of children if he hadn’t used protection. But then he had Rhodes to help pick up the pieces the morning after a party, to rub his back as he blew chunks into the toilet, and to kick hot chics out of their dorm room in the morning. Then, he would sit with Tony as he drank his water quietly, staring into space and just tearing himself apart from the inside. Sometimes, he would rub Tony’s back as he cried and said, “I should stop. I need to fix myself.”

But then the same thing would happen a week later.

In the back of his mind, a voice would whisper,  _ why can’t you be like Captain America? Why can’t you do something that is actually important? _

He would ignore it and take yet another shot.

When his parents died, he locked himself up in his workshop for days. Rhodes would bring food down three times a day, but most of it was never touched. Any coffee he brought down, though, was gone within ten minutes. After a while, Tony didn’t know how long, his best friend pulled the car engine the mechanic had been taking apart for the fiftieth time out of his hand. He dragged over a nearby chair and sat directly in front of Tony, who stared blankly at his empty hands. 

“Tony,” Rhodes’s voice cut through the deafening silence. 

Tony had sighed and placed his face in his hands, his whole body trembling. “They’re gone, Rhodey.”

“I know.”

“No! No, you don’t know!” Tony’s words came out as shaky and angry. He curled his hands into fists and punched the table that had screws and bolts and tools scattered across it. The glass of the table shattered, and multiple things fell to the floor with a crash. “I couldn’t do anything to stop it, Rhodey! You know why? ‘Cause I’m a fucking failure, that’s why! My deceased father reminded me of that every single stupid day of my life! I am a failure compared to Captain fucking America! Well, you know what, Dad?” Tony turned to stare up at the ceiling with tear-filled eyes and an angry glare. “Where was Captain America when that car crashed, huh? Why didn’t he save you?”

Hours later, when Tony’s breathing was finally under control, Rhodey held him on the couch as he cried, cursing the world and Captain America for making his life miserable.

He had gotten over it after about a month. At least, he buried down the emotions and pretended to while going to even more parties. Rhodey became more involved in the military, and Tony couldn’t help but miss his best friend every now and then. He was happy for him, of course. According to the late-night talks they had in college, Rhodey had wanted to help the world and fight for his country at a young age. He was fulfilling his dream. Tony, though, was jealous deep down. Tony didn’t have a dream. He was never given permission to.

Life went on like this for years. He met Pepper, and she became a replacement for Rhodey when he wasn’t present. He built weapons and leaned on Obadiah for the support he needed from a father figure. Everything was fine. Yes, he was almost permanently drunk and lived off coffee while working in his workshop, but he was fine. It wasn’t until Afghanistan that he let thoughts of his failure and of Captain America resurface once again. 

_ If you were anything like Captain America, the way your father wanted you to be, this wouldn’t be happening,  _ that voice whispered in his mind. He dismissed it angrily and continued to create the suit that would hopefully save him and Yinsen.

It was that suit, though, that saved his mental spiral of negativity that would end with him exploding. The second he was home, he got straight to work on yet another suit, one that made the old one look like a piece of scrap metal. He finally had a way to fight back, to actually do some good in a world that he had done nothing for his whole life. He could live up to the standards of Captain America.

He believed that, at least, until he met the guy. 

Steve didn’t like him. He thought Tony was selfish and cocky, and everything that his father, who was apparently a saint in Steve’s eyes, wasn’t. “Take away the suit, what are you?” Steve asked.

Tony, who had put up with this BS at a young age, who had already been told that he wasn’t good enough compared to Steve Rogers, said, “Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.” Because Steve had been a pain in his ass his whole life, and he was  _ not  _ going to put up with noble theatrics now that he had a chance to prove that he was better. That his father should have been grateful that Tony was his son, not upset that Steve wasn’t.

And ever since then they just couldn’t seem to get along. They trusted each other out on the battlefield, worked well together during a mission, but couldn’t seem to get along for longer than ten minutes. At some point, they developed a love-hate friendship. Tony wasn’t above admitting that he would die for anyone on the team, and he knew Steve felt the same way. Of course, their friendship was touch and go, for Tony still felt the doubt when it came to living up to his father’s hero, and Steve was still thrown off by the money and technology Tony had access to.

It wasn’t perfect, but it also wasn’t terrible.

But the second Steve had to choose between Tony and the past he still clung to, he chose his past. Tony guessed he should be understanding. He would act the same way if he woke up over seventy years in the future, and then his best friend showed up out of nowhere, brainwashed and lost. Hell, he would go berserk. But he wouldn’t just blatantly leave the team out of it and inform no one, especially Cap, of what was happening. Seriously, did Steve not understand the meaning of communication?

Of course, half of the team pegged Tony as the enemy and took Steve’s side. A part of him wondered if they did it because they knew that he would abandon them too if they didn’t.

Once again, doubts and fears clouded his brain. He clung to the knowledge that he still had Natasha, Rhodey, and even Peter. But then Natasha revealed that she really had no definite side when it came to this argument. She just wanted to keep the team together, but she was a traitor to both sides in the process.

He did try to fix it after that. He told Steve he had been wrong, that the great Captain America had been right once again. But then he discovered that he was a  _ lying bastard who was defending the man who killed his parents.  _ Later, when he had a chance to think rationally and meditate on his actions, he forgave Bucky. He had been brainwashed. He was more confused right now than anyone and was forced to just go along with however Steve handled it, for he didn’t have any other options. But Steve  _ lied, hid,  _ and  _ acted so damn innocent in the face of the truth.  _

And no one else on the team cared. Then again, he never told anyone what happened in Siberia. He never explained to Rhodey why he came back looking beaten and haggard, for the colonel already had enough to worry about with his new legs. At that point, there was nothing to save him from his thoughts of Captain America. Every other time, someone in his life had been there. No one was here now.

At least, until Peter Parker nearly sent him into early retirement by almost  _ drowning.  _ Then, not too long after that, almost died on an elevator, and then ripped a ferry boat in two.

Why must this kid make it so hard for Tony to avoid him the way he wanted to? Why couldn’t Tony just keep the teen out of his life to protect him from his own troubles? Not too long after the Vulture was defeated, though, the kid was at the Compound every weekend to work with Tony on random things. Usually, it was Peter’s suit, sometimes it was Tony’s. It seemed the world had found yet another person to save the billionaire from thoughts of Captain America.

And that leads us to today, three years later. Peter was Tony’s adopted son, May sharing custody with him. Spiderman and Iron Man were a duo, two of the most powerful Avengers that were still avenging. The rogues were still on the run, but Tony had given up on trying to find them ages ago. There was no point. Everything was perfectly fine and honestly amazing without them.

_ Was.  _

Today, however, was not amazing, or fine. Today was the worst day of Tony’s life. And he wasn’t saying that to be dramatic. No, he was serious.

Today he was burying his son.

Peter’s coffin was laid out before him, right next to the hole they would be lowering his body into soon. Tony was staring at it blankly, trying to process what he was seeing because this  _ couldn’t be happening.  _ Even though Tony had watched Peter die, had held him in his arms as he bled out, he couldn’t fathom the fact that the kid that was a shining light to everyone around him was gone. He took a deep, shaky breath and kneeled down next to the coffin. 

“Hey, Pete,” he whispered. “I… I don’t know what to say or tell you. I mean, I’ve made some shitty decisions in my life, but you were never one of them. Leaving you alone, though, was probably the shittiest decision in the history of shitty decisions. Maybe if I had stayed with you-” he cut himself off with a sharp sob.

When Peter died in his arms, he felt angry, lost, and unbelievably… sad? Sad didn’t describe it, though. There was no word in the English language that described the feelings and emotions you experience when your child dies right in front of you. Instead of trying to explain or understand it, he had screamed and thrown things, punching walls and breaking anything and everything that reminded him of his son.

Now, seeing Peter’s funeral, partaking in something that felt so  _ final… _ he felt numb. The ache was still in his chest, and the tears still streamed down his cheeks, but he felt so devoid of his own emotions. Peter had kept him grounded. He was the only one who could really make Captain America disappear.

Tony laid his head on the cool wood of the coffin, taking in another breath that he didn’t deserve. It didn’t feel right to be breathing in oxygen from a world that Peter didn’t exist in. “I love you, Bambino. You know that. I-I’m sorry that I disappointed you, and that I…” he let another sob escape him. “That I couldn’t save you… that I’m not Captain America.”


End file.
